the excelent tf2 storey colection of good original storeys
by largedad
Summary: a collection of Good, Original and Funny tf2 oneshots featuring all ur favs, including smoky french boy, loud boston kid, dirty outback man, fat idiot sandwich baby, flighty glasses girl and more :) ratings may vary
1. the 10th class

the following chapters are a series of non-sequitur, satirical oneshots aimed at parodying and lampooning common tropes/ridiculous situations in the tf2 fandom. ratings vary from t to low m ;o) enjoy!

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><p><em>the 10th class<em>

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><p>"hm." generic american white late-teenaged girl smirked, sitting pretzel-legged on her bed with her laptop on tumblr in her room that was liberally adorned with Christmas lights. "so some team called red team is hiring. they say they need a male. i am not male but who cares." she got off the bed and went downstairs. "hi mom" she said in a cute girl-next-door way. then she remembered that her parents had died in a tragic motorcycle accident 17 years ago right after she was born. very tragic and bloody accident that scarred her for life but also left her cool, tough, and sensitive<p>

"oh my mom and dad is dead. oops" she said cutely and sexily. "i guess i'll apply for red now. bye grandma." unfortunately, grandma had died in the motorcycle accident too, as she was the one driving it. stupid fucking grandma, what the hell was she doing driving a motorcycle on the freeway with three people on it? and i'm beginning to think this girl has alzheimer's. at any rate, she went to the place to meet up with ms. pauling. you know, _the_ place.

"we wanted a man," ms. pauling said plainly and stupidly because she's plain and stupid and gets in the way

"well—"

"whatever, welcome aboard" she said, shaking the girls' small, dainty, and cute hand.

"haha thanks," teenage girl said, her long, silky auburn hair flowing awesomely through the wind.

"i love your hair," ms. pauling whimpered lesbianly, running her jealously grubby hand through girl's amazing hair

"haha thanks," teenage girl said, whipping out her iphone 6 and instagramming a selfie with ms. pauling, putting the caption "bestiiieeessss !(:" followed by 18 emojis as they walked towards the bus that would take them to the red base.

~xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX~

"does anyone have an iphone charger?" girl asked cutely. thousands of instagram likes and comments began piling up on her selfie with ms. pauling as she walked into the team common room, pissed off at the fucking shitty battery life on her plebeian phone. moral of the story: samsung galaxy master race bitches

"scuse me? wot th' bloody hell's an oiphoan?" sniper asked australianly, looking up from the tv. he stopped in his tracks, taken by her absolute beauty and grace.

"a who-dang-diddle-dong-wut, now?" engineer asked stupidly because he's from the south. he looked up and his goggle-less eyes were instantly enamored with the sight of the beautiful young woman in front of him. she giggled a lil

"an i. phone. it's a cellular telephone, which is a phone that can make and receive telephone calls over a radio link while moving around a wide geographic area. it does so by connecting to a cellular network provided by a mobile phone operator, allowing access to the public telephone network," she said intelligently

"m-m-m-may ah?" engineer stammered nervously, intimidated by her intelligence and beauty while sticking his gloved hand out. "a-ah'm a enginee-ur, and ah lahke technawlgee"

"sure" she said silkily, saucily handing him the iphone. his face lit up like The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, which is a worldwide symbol of the holidays in New York City. The 2014 Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree will be lit for the first time on Wednesday, December 3 with live performances from 7–9 PM, at Rockefeller Plaza, between West 48th and West 51st Streets and Fifth and Sixth Avenues. Tens of thousands will crowd the sidewalks for the event and hundreds of millions will watch it live across the globe. The Tree will remain lit and can be viewed until 8pm on January 7th, 2015.

"who there" breathed heavy dumbly, looking up from his kindergarten-level picture book.

"misha" she laughed, hands over her mouth in shock.

"raven ebony apple zoey petunia the third" he cried happily, wrapping her in a bone-crushing hug. luckily, she drank a lot of milk as a child and had strong bones

"excuse me? vho is zis?" medic asked jealously. then he lowered his glasses and nearly came at the sight of of the blessed heavenly beauty in front of him. but he hid it well, because he definitely used to be a gay nazi and was used to hiding things. i say he was a gay nazi as a shallow attempt at characterizing the medic and also because i don't know anything about the third reich

"my cousin," heavily laughed uproariously, slapping his knee. "cousin, let us go bowling"

"not now, roman," she laughed in an eastern-european, hitman-like manner. the scout nervously swaggered up to her.

"a-a-a-a-ah, do you has a boyfriend?" scout asked shyly but hotly.

"mmmm no," she said with a shy and coy smirk. "what makes you so confident to think you have a chance with the likes of me?" she said, pouting her lips a lil bit and giving him a saucy and cute come-hither look

"duh" scout duh'd, at a loss for words. who needed ms. pauling when you had raven ebony apple zoey petunia the third?

the demoman looked up from his bottle of alcohol and said nothing because he was too deeply in love with raven and that's my excuse for not writing about the demoman. in reality nobody really gives a shit about him

"maggots that is a girl. girl can't fight" soldier screamed so loud he tore his own stupid vocal cords

"mmph huddah huh" pyro said. people think the pyro is like a cute inanimate object but they don't actually care about it so i'm just going to conveniently leave it out and refer to it as an 'it'

"..." said the spy sexily and silently, lazily blowing smoke out through his nostrils like a nicotine-addicted french lizard. he made sultry, hot eye contact with raven but said nothing.

"well guys, thanks for welcoming me. off to my room," raven giggled amidst the commotion, brushing her long, silky chestnut hair behind her cute small ear.

"what is it you are doing 'ere?" spy asked suddenly and mysteriously, glaring at her. she turned around dramatically.

"i'm the tenth class," she said with a friendly, happy smile

"and zhat would be?" he asked fiercely, blowing a smoke cloud in the shape of the eiffel towel

"the random," she smiled epically, holding up her uniform. with that, she left for her room as the entire living room stood there in stunned silence…

~xXxXxXxXxXxcXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX~

"huddah huh" pyro said as it cooked dinner in the kitchen for the mercenaries in the dining room. you'd think red would fucking be able to afford a cook or two. but no, pyro always cooked because who gives a shit about the pyro

"hi guys!" raven said brightly, appearing in the dining room in her new uniform. the entire room stopped talking to look at her silently, taking in her ethereal, blessed beauty. on her graceful head sat a cute chullo with a question mark knitted into it, her gorgeous amber hair flowing from underneath. she wore light, beautiful, youthful, natural makeup that accentuated her beautiful facial features. her flawless, slender, curvy body and pale, blemish-free skin were complemented with a red, form-fitting, athletic nike™ shirt paired with black nike™ spandex compression shorts. on the sleeves of her shirt were yellow, encircled question marks. around her neck was a dogtag necklace with the names of her dead parents and dead grandma. she wore long, cutely-patterned, mismatched red knee-high socks with cool red hi-top chuck taylor converse™ sneakers. per her dress code, she wore two black sweatbands around her wrists, one with an apple™ logo and one with a picture of al gore™'s face for good luck.

"whugmgompf, y-you look beuatfal," scout spluttered, spewing his verbal diarrhea everywhere.

"embarrass yourself le more, why do you not," spy rolled his eyes frenchly. little did scout know that spy was equally enamored with her sheer classic beauty and had already vowed to make her his

"maggots that is a woman. we cannot have a maggot female on the maggot team. i am a mens rights activist and this is bad news," solider mouthed because he ripped his vocal cords earlier due to his own idiocy. nobody heard him and nobody cared about his stupid invalid opinions

"yew look goahjus," sniper said in a huskily smooth australian outback way, getting up and wrapping his wiry arms around her from behind. she giggled as she inhaled his heady scent of dirt and piss, but the other team members were not so amused

"get tiny stupid baby hands off of cousin," heavy roared, angrily shattering a window with his meaty hamfist.

"o-o-okay, soarry mate," sniper said, his tiny hands thrown in the air defensively

"dhnnr's rhhdy" called pyro from the kitchen

"mmm heck yeah can't wait for pahro's down-home-stahyle cornbreayud 'n' gritz. just likes mah momma used to makes," engineer chuckled, sucking his thumb in anticipation.

"hhrhh crbrhebbd" pyro said proudly, emerging from the kitchen in a full formal chef's uniform and placing the freshly-baked cornbread loaf on the table. pyro was wearing oven mitts even though its gloves were already fucking fireproof. it doesn't matter because oven mitts are cute and the pyro always has to be cute because i can't characterize the pyro as anything other than cute

"_**karnbraAaahd**_" yelled engineer savagely as he almost gave himself a stroke. he instantly began viciously clawing up the hot, sweet cornbread from the baking dish and shoveling it into his huge, salivating mouth. eventually he stopped trying that and just mashed his entire face into the cornbread plate like the fucking wild uncivilized texan animal he really was. his hardhat fell off his head and rolled onto the floor as he made loud, feral grunts and violently lapped up every molecule of cornbread he could. raven giggled cutely and gently rubbed the engineer's back in a fun-loving way. he suddenly stopped and looked up, bits of the spongy yellow cornbread slowly falling off his face and onto the table as he stared at the apple of his eye.

"oopsh," he said embarrassedly, bits of moist, spit-coated cornbread flying out of his mouth and hitting raven in the face. she giggled again as he blushed.

"oh, it's okay," she assured with a perfect smile, wiping the crumbs off her smooth cheek and whipping out her iphone 6 and instagramming the cornbread carcass on the table. 'someone sure was hungry! :D' she put as her caption, followed by 23 slightly-relevant emojis. instantly, the likes and comments poured in.

"how d'ya get so many likes and comments on instagram?" scout asked in an impressed and fascinated way, digging into his freshly-served dinner along with everyone else as he sat next to raven. absolutely nobody touched the cornbread.

"ah, i don't know," she shrugged modestly. "i mean, i really don't. i'm not all that pretty, or smart. my parents died right after i was born, so i raised myself, pretty much," she sighed prettily, eating a small bite of her dinner.

"that's amazin'. how many followers you got?" he asked, suddenly familiar with the concept of social media

"oh, i don't keep count…"

"ah, c'mon, it's okay, you can tell me."

"oh…just a hundred million, or so. i don't know who would follow me, or why. just how it is," she shrugged with a small, humble smile. scout dropped his fork in amazement

"whoa, a hundred mil? that's friggin' fuckin' wicked," he said, instinctively putting his arm around her. sparks flew as his arm touched her shoulder, and they instantly met eyes.

"thanks," she said with an adorable smile, tilting her head as her smooth locks fell over her shoulder.

"get your stupid baby hand off of—"

"oh, it's okay, heavy," raven giggled. "hehe, he's being nice to me"

at this, heavy growled fiercely but complied, glaring at the scout and angrily shoveling food into his fat slavic trap. the rest of the dinner was eaten in relative silence. as the team filed out and left the pyro to do the countless filthy dishes, scout walked with raven around the base, carrying her on his shoulders and showing her around.

"aaaaand dis is da showah," he said, gesturing to the showers

"thanks," she said, sitting on his shoulders because she was so light and cute and happy and beautiful. she sniffed herself and smelled like honey lavender with a hint of jasmine and mint.

"ew, i think i need a shower," she said, pouting

"ah, haha, well, ah, if yous need a partner…" scout stammered, rubbing the back of his neck.

"it's okay," she giggled coquettishly, gracefully dismounting and gently patting his arm. "i can do it myself, silly." scout's face turned beet red.

"ahaha, ah, okay, if yous says so. have a good showah," he said awkwardly, walking backwards down the hall.

"thaanks!~" she called out, waving after him like an anime character as her hair flowed in the wind. she walked into the shower room and shyly disrobed, revealing her milky white skin and supple, pert breasts. she turned the water on and let it wash over her skin and cleanse her body. with the water running, she hadn't heard footsteps enter the room. she opened her mouth and began beautifully singing the opening aria from the french opera "carmen", which is like the only opera piece people know. yes, that one. that dramatic one automatically playing in your head right now. the one you hear in commercials. that's the one.

"_L'amour est un oiseau rebelle, Que nul ne peut apprivoiser, Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle, S'il lui convient de refuser, Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière,_" she sang deliciously, the lilting notes reverberating throughout the shower room. the spy stood, magically transfixed by his native language so gorgeous-sounding. he simply had wanted to take a shower, but as an opera aficionado, he'd never heard the most popular and beautiful aria from carmen so beautifully sung before, especially not by such a beautiful and perfect woman.

"_L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait, Et c'est l'autre que je préfère; Il n'a rien dit mais il me plaît,"_ she sang, her voice like auditory silk that caressed the spy's masked ears. he simply couldn't take it anymore.

"_Si tu ne m'aimes pas, Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime; Prends garde à toi,_" he sang back, his rich melted butter baritone voice mixing with her clear bell mezzo-soprano as they harmonized flawlessly. she stopped, her beautiful heterochromic eyes going wide. she flung the curtain open to see the spy, his strong and manly body completely wet and naked and singing opera at her.

"oh goodness," she breathed with a divine smile, her beautifully milky pale skin dripping with hot water and becoming flushed as steam billowed out from behind her.

_she looks like a heavenly angel, _thought the spy,_ all she is missing is her wings._

he slowly approached her in the shower and they made sweet, wet, sensual, heavenly french love all night long. hon hon hOn

~XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx~

"ready set go" called the administrator, releasing the teams from their spawn rooms in the map ctf_2fort. as they all went off to do shit, raven ran with them and began impressing them all over again. she ran side-by-side with the scout, sticking her tongue out at him and surpassing him as he ran headfirst into a pole and crumpled to the ground. that caused severe brain hemorrhaging and he didn't get up, so he eventually just died

the engineer had run out of metal to build another sentry, so much to his delight, raven ran up and upgraded his mini-sentry to a level-three with one hit. they smiled at each other as she ran off to set more enemies on fire with her sniper rifle.

"she may be a beautiful heavenly angel but surely she cannot surpass me in spy things," spy said to himself at normal volume, standing completely still in the middle of the map. immediately the other team's scout whizzed by, strafing wildly. in seconds, raven had her knife in his back with a cheery smile on her face.

"ran fast died virgin," she giggled, off to plant a sticky trap. spy totes heart-eye emoji'd and fell in love with her, like...x10. what a babe

"i'm bored as shit and i act as nothing but a plot device, so for ten seconds i'm turning off…respawn," laughed the administrator. everyone suddenly stopped moving and stood still, but raven hadn't noticed the blu sniper's bullet hurtling towards her chest. as the bullet pierced her angelic skin and embedded itself in her heart, she keeled over gracefully and beautifully, hitting the ground silently. the entire time crowded around her quietly as raindrops began falling from the sky. the scout took his hat off and began choking back tears. in fact, everyone was choking back tears. even the administrator. even gray mann.

one of the spy's lone, golden french tears fell from his sky-blue eyes and onto raven's pale, smooth cheek. instantly, the sky parted to reveal columns of heavenly sunlight. eight angels descended from heaven and carried raven up into the sky. the spy cleared his throat and began singing.

"_in zhe aaaaaarms ooooof an aaaangel,_" he began, his baritone voice evoking an outpouring of emotions from everyone on the field.

"_floi awaaaay from heeeere_," sniper sang, his rich vibrato and bass voice harmonizing with the spy's. they put their arms around each other.

"_from zhis daaaaaark cooooold hotel room_," came medic's tenor voice, playing a violin cadence.

"_and tha endlessness thatcha fear_," wept the scout's poignant alto voice

"_yer pulled from the wreckage...of yer silent reverie_," cried the engineer's heart-wrenching falsetto soprano.

"_in the aaaaaaarms oooooof aaan aaaangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellll_," everyone on the field chorused together in perfect harmony as raven ascended to heaven. "_may you fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind some comfort heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere_"

a moment of silence settled in the field, all hats off and against the chests of the mercenaries, watching their wonderful girl rise up. the angels and raven got smaller and smaller until eventually, the tiny dot in the sky became invisible and the clouds disappeared, revealing a clear blue sky and sunny day.

"gahd i'm gonna miss'er," scout choked, breaking the heavy silence putting his hat back on

"who?" heavy asked idiotically

"ya fuckin' cousin, dipshit. how stupid can ya get?"

"she was not my cousin."

"wot tha fock mate?" sniper spat. "yew fockin' sed yesterday that she was your cousin."

"wat is a cousin?" heavy asked slowly, his baby blue eyes more glazed over than terri schiavo's

"oh heavy," everyone laughed, hands on their hips. the studio audience cried of laughter as the ending theme played and the camera cut to the heavy shrugging his shoulders.


	2. a smissmas miracle

a little more on the m side here

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><p><em>a smissmas miracle<em>

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><p>the hot, new mexico sun beat down on the dilapidated wooden tower like a heat lamp would beat down on a stale appetizer in applebee's. the blu sniper was crouched at the top, missing every single shot he took and blaming it on his high ping. in reality, he was honestly just a shit sniper. in a fit of frustration, he threw his rifle to the ground and grabbed a jar of his own urine, chugging it in anger<p>

"oi hate moi loife," he whispered australianly, hot piss dribbling down his bearded chin and beads of sweat forming at his forehead. he then heard a mysterious creaking sound from behind him. kukri in hand, he squatted in wait.

"who's there?" he rasped angrily yet sensually, ready to pounce like a sexy kangaroo, which is an australian animal and it's funny because the sniper is also australian. the red spy melted into view, chuckling frenchly and impressively playing with like three of his knives at the same time or something

"bonjoor, le 'ideous boojman," the france man husked huskily, approaching the handsomely rugged outdoorsman. and by rugged i mean piss-drinking

"wot the bloody hell are yew doin' here, nasty spook?" sniper spluttered, releasing an ungodly amount of spit and piss at the man. for some reason, he hadn't attacked because he'd just never realized before how stupidly hot and sexy the enemy spy was. in fact, with the sunlight streaming in through the window and at his face, sniper could see that the spy was an absolute sex god

"why should i tell you?" spy replied in a french accent so thick he coughed up a beret

"ah, hm. good point, mate."

"oui, i always make good points," he giggled coquettishly, continuing to give himself all sorts of cancer as he calmly placed three cigarettes in his mouth and lit them.

"yah, good point," sniper said coyly, finally wiping the disgusting fucking piss from his lips. took him long enough.

"would you like to...'ow do you say...le make out?" spy proposed sexily, taking his suit jacket off with a flourish and throwing it out the window.

"oi-oi'd love that, m-mate," sniper replied shakily, biting his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. "you don't understand how much i want you insoide of me roight now."

"i zheenk i do," spy said provocatively, tearing his pants off. much to the sniper's delight, he found that the spy had gone commando that day, which filthy fucking french people like him are wont to do. he took out a monster condom and wrapped it around his magnum 15.6-inch dong.

"thassa big dong, mate," sniper said dumbly

"shut up and let me rip you a new one," spy yelled completely in character, tearing the sniper's pants down and bending him over.

"no, ah, no lube, huh?" sniper asked nervously, bare ass thrust in the air

"in france we do not use ze lubrication. zhis will not 'urt much," spy said, ramming his throbbing member of the french parliament into sniper's ripe, lubeless australian outback.

"nyaa-aa!~" sniper arched his back and yelped exactly like a cute anime character, tilde and all. then, as he began enjoying the fun, he began giggling uncontrollably, tears running down his face. "ah, roight in the bloody colon!" he giggled in a very moe manner

"eugh! wot on earhz iz zis brown stuff?" spy screamed in disgust

"jos' some vegemite, mate. don't moind it!" sniper replied in a sexy, carefree, cheerful manner

"you dizguzt me, filhzy jar man!" spy screamed, brutally hatefucking the sniper so hard his eyeballs rolled back into his brain

"aaahhhh, who cares. we're young, bold, n beautiful. yolo!" sniper said like the hip, fun, and fearless cosmo guy of the month he was, grabbing and downing a four loko he found on the floor and taking selfies on his iphone 6 plus and posting them to instagram

"i am young, bold, and beautiful. you are none of zhose zhings," spy hissed, snuffing out his three cigarette butts in the sniper's bare asscheek to make a sick-looking orion's belt constellation of burns. "and if you say 'yolo' one more time, i will ram my penis so far up your arse zhat you'll 'ave foreskin for teeth!"

"but that's the way oi loike it," the sniper giggled, his chin supported by his hands as he stared out the window and into the blue, blue sky, his ass in the process of getting curb-stomped.

_what a lovely day to feel as though i'm taking a massive reverse shit,_ he thought blithely

"you know, i zhought you 'ated me," spy said offhandedly, casually continuing to pummel the sniper's poop chute with reckless abandon

"nyah. oi did at first, but then oi realized, hey, this goy's a beaut. a real stunnah. and oi thought…i thought, how can oi hate a sex god?" he giggled again

"zis is true," spy said thoughtfully as he finally came and removed his manly instrument from sniper's orifice. "i _**am**_ a sex god. i just zhought zat such a...hm, how you say zis, sexy australian man would not be into a free-spirited frenchman such as i."

"well, mate, you're wrong. i am into you. very much, mate," sniper whispered sensually, roughly grabbing the spy's head with both hands. they then violently but hotly mashed lips, which basically sounded like someone fisting a jar of mayo but nobody ever brings up the stupid gross wet mouth noises that happen when two people violently make out. they shared a romantic moment in each other's arms, but then tears began rolling down the spy's cheeks, much to the sniper's surprise.

"wot's wrong, mate?" he said, wiping away spy's tears in a cool, comforting, and sensitive way

"eet iz just zhat...zhis reminds me of my parents, who passed away when i was only just a garcon."

"ah, yes, a garcon," sniper said, suddenly blessed with the ability to speak fluent french. "that stinks. my parents are dead, too, mate."

"i knoooooooooooooow," the spy sobbed, gently resting his head against the sniper's chest and blubbering into his shirt like a baby. he slowly reached for his sunglasses.

"the specs stay awn," sniper barked like a german shepherd

"s-sorry," cried spy.

"there, there, mate." sniper patted spy's spandexed head and kissed the top of it, bringing him close. "s'okay to 'ave a good croy every now and again."

"nobody really loves me," the spy weeped seductively

"...oi...oi love yah," sniper grumbled, making piercing, prolonged eye contact with the spy.

"you love...me? you really do?"

"oi do. madly in love with you, mate. i-it's loike if people were rain, oi'm just a drizzle and you're a-a hurricane."

"i...i love you, too." the roof suddenly blew off the top of the tower and rain began to pour inside, drenching the two damp hunks. they kissed in the rain with such passionate ardor that it was almost as if they were in a john green novel and they were both terminally ill with a month to live

"i'm cold now..." shivered spy, mewling quietly like a small french kitten. "get me ze blanket, desu"

"roight away, spoi-kun," sniper said, tripping over his own two idiot feet and clumsily grabbing the coarse blanket, wrapping it around the two. he then took out his zune and earbuds because he is a wise, cool, and modern man

"maybe some neutral milk hotel will help?" he said in a hip and indie way.

"_snf_. maybe," spy wailed adorably, taking an earbud and placing it in his masked ear and resting his head on the sniper's inviting shoulder and nuzzling him like a kawaii stray neko. they sat in the pouring rain under the same blanket, sopping wet and hopelessly gay for each other

"i-i-i love you, s-sunipero-kun," spy whispered, blushing. "even zhough you are a plebeian who uses a zune."

"oi love you too, spoi-kun. goin' gay for you's the best thing i eva did. that's how bein gay works, innit?"

"hai, sunipero-kun," spy purred, growing ears and a tail and curling up next to his senpai, slowly growing more stereotypically anime by the minute. "nnn~."

"thas roight," sniper growled, suddenly the seme of this clusterfuck of a relationship, nibbling spy's neko ear. "now who's ya daddy?"

"you are my daddy!~" he yelped, somehow fucking managing to pronounce the tilde again

"and don't you forget it!" sniper bellowed, smacking the frenchman's bare ass so hard it turned red enough to pass for a couple of tomatoes. they were about to go for another round of fudge-packing when the red scout walked in.

"ah, wat the hell's goin' awn heah?" he asked bostonly while holding a bucket of kfc like the southie piece of trash he was. this is a hilarious reference because in the valve short movie expiration date, the scout tried to showcase his juvenile methods of seduction by offering fried chicken and then the spy was like no! and he hit the chicken lol do you guys remember that

"gay sex, wanna join?" sniper rasped sexily, smashing a jar of hot piss over his head for dramatic effect

"aw, sure, why not. i've got nothin' betta to do. you guys seem wicked haahtt enough, and besides. i'm the team bicycle!"

"then join in, little lupin," spy said.

"no. lapin. it's fucking lapin. lapin is rabbit in french, not lupin," sniper corrected the native french speaker matter-of-factly, staring straight at the floor with a twinge of anger in his voice. "lupin the third is an anime that debuted as a manga in 1967."

"a damn good one," scout chimed in with a bite of a drumstick.

"oh, right. lapin. well, come 'ere and join in or i'll fuck your muzzher again," spy said with a roll of his eyes

"wait, ya fuckin' my ma too?" scout hollered

"i'm fucking everyone's parents," spy snickered, evilly tapping two fingers together

"my parents're dead," sniper whispered, a lone tear rolling down his scarred cheek

"mine too," spy whimpered, and started crying again

"shut the fuck up, i thought yous was just screwin' the blu scout's ma? ya screwin' my ma too?"

"i'm screwing all moms, i already told you," spy deadpanned through his tears

"aw, shucks," scout sighed, throwing his chicken out the window in bitter defeat

"bloody hell bloke mates who cares, lets jus 'ave a kangaroo outback tony abbott gander at each otha', eh?" said the oh fuck it who else would've said that honestly

"alright. alright, fine, okay. you bettah not make me regret this," scout grumbled, shyly and reluctantly taking his pants off. the two men stared hungrily at this new young fresh meat. right as he was about to take his baseball-printed tightie-whities off, the soldier came in. yes, THE soldier, no it doesn't fucking matter what team he's on, nothing matters

"maggots. what is going on here," he yelled in such a loud angry voice that he almost gave himself an aneurysm

"i'll tell you hwat," the sniper said, putting his index finger to his chin. "that boy don't look roight"

"shut up, commie," soldier said, even though he had nowhere near an actual grasp on the economical concept of communism. "if i didn't know any better, and i don't really, this looks to me like you men are engaging in...in…"

"gay sex," shouted scout

"yes, mm, yes, precisely that. gay sex. and you know how i feel about gays."

"i don't, actually," spy said, clearing his throat. "you've never really been very vocal about your viewpoint concerning lgbt+ relationships. please be respectful of our sexualities"

"shut up, sjw maggot," soldier said, another man hip with the times. what a sight to see in this day and age. "i don't like them. i liked neil patrick harris and then i found out he's gay and now i can't like him because he's gay!"

"well, honestly, if you didn't see that one comin'..." scout said sheepishly

"i didn't..." soldier said in a very in-character way, now in tears. "i fucking bought mezzanine tickets for the latest rendition of hedwig on broadway, too. they're nonrefundable. now what am i going to do"

"there, there," sniper said, gingerly patting the soldier on the back. "try bein' gay with us. it's a jolly ol' good time. no communism involved"

"you promise?" soldier sniffed

"we promise," spy said with a cute and cool smile. what a swell guy

"alright maggot," soldier yelled, taking off his clothes very fast and staring at the sexy naked men around him. "oh yes, now i can see the sexual appeal of naked men"

"now you can go see hedwig and the angry inch at the belasco theatre, starring neil patrick harris as the titular character, mezzanine tickets starting at just $69 at ticketmaster," sniper said with the heartwarming smile of paid advertising

"now i can...now i can. it's a smissmas miracle," soldier whispered, wiping bald eagle tears from his eyes. the team gathered around the window and silently watched the powdery white snow softly fall to the ground as a team of f-14s raced across the sky in the shape of an american flag. it was really magical, take my word for it

"oi love christmas," sniper said to nobody in particular

"yeah," replied whichever one you want

and that, my children, is how the christmas miracle of yaoi was born.


	3. cinderalpha story

_cinderalpha story_

* * *

><p>once upon a late night, ms. pauling was working. she's always working, but this time she was really, really working. like, hard. anyway as she was working she heard a knock on her office door. i wonder who it was<p>

"come in," she said cooly. it could've been a serial killer or something and she'd just told this person to come in. but, friendly reminder, ms. pauling was pretty much your ideal cosmo fun fearless female of the year. if you want to know what dress she was wearing, it was a form-fitting, sexy, light lavender eggplant violet dress with a whisper of puce. or just google 'purple dress'

"ah, hey, it's me, the scout," the whatever-team scout said really quickly, bursting in

"hi, scout, i'm dad," she said

"ah, ahahaha. yous is a wicked funny gal," scout laughed nervously, not sure how to react in the face of a badly-executed dad joke

"true," she said, going back to her work, completely ignoring the scout. this went on in a good half hour of silence, the scout fidgeting like a coke addict without a fix

"do yous eva like the red sox?" he asked awkwardly, because his entire life was literally only baseball ever

"do i...ever...like them? i don't really watch baseball…"

"oh. yeeeeeahh, i wicked figured," he said bostonly.

"you ever wonder why they call some baseball teams 'sox'?" she asked, tapping her pen on her chin in thought. "kinda dumb name if you think about it."

"did yous just insult my sox?" scout asked incredulously, hands on his hips

"no? i just pointed out that it's kind of a weird name."

"you fuckin' take that back," he screamed, his face turning a flattering shade of grape

"uh, alright. whatever, i take it back," she shrugged, looking extremely weirded out and wiping a bit of spit off her face

"good, good, i was, uh, afraid you was a yanks fan or som'in," he mumbled, realizing what a blatant fucking nutcase he'd just been

"...yeah," ms. pauling said, not looking up from her work. this resulted in another ten minutes of painfully awkward silence before the door burst open to reveal the demoman. no wait, nobody gives half a shit about the demoman. never mind, i'll pick a character that people sort of care about

the door burst open to reveal a nervous engineer holding five rotten daisies in his gloved hand

"evenin' ms. paulin'," the texas man said softly and amiably. he softly walked in and up to ms. pauling's desk. he then softly opened his hand and just fucking dropped the miserably wilted flowers on top of her paperwork like an idiot.

"ah gohja sum flahrs," he drawled like a texan who'd just had a debilitating stroke

"i know..." she said disgustedly, gingerly brushing them off her paper and continuing to work

"ah hope y'all enjoy 'em," he whispered, creepily clasping his hands together.

"thanks...eggineer," she snickered. the engineer inhaled sharply and started weeping but nobody cared or saw because he was wearing goggles. at night. indoors. anyway, he was crying because eggineer was what the kids used to call him on the playground before they pantsed him and laughed as he tried to run away and then tripped over his own stupid nerd pants

"eggineer," scout howled, clapping like a large, dumb bostonian seal. "fuckin' classic"

"ah, ah, ah," engineer breathed, trying to hold his shit together and failing miserably

"you are dismissed, _**egg,**_" ms. pauling snapped, throwing a crumpled piece of paper at him.

"yeah, egg, get outta heah," scout said, swinging his bat and sending the sniveling engineer out the open door and into the night. the crowd went wild in the distance

"wow," ms. pauling breathed, thoroughly impressed as she squinted her eyes and used her hand as a mock forehead visor. "you really nailed him."

"yee-yah. i freakin' fuckin' did," scout said, proud of himself. this show of dominance suddenly turned ms. pauling from apathetic ice queen nerd woman to rabidly horny geek succubus. kind of like elsa in frozen. i think

"oh scout," she moaned, ripping her top open and exposing her supple milky white soft bouncy young breasts, "i need you now"

"yeah," he said huskily in a seductive macho alpha way

"as a geek girl i do love your fun-loving yet assertive bostonian attitude," she moaned

"yeah," he rumbled as his velvety voice dropped two octaves and his shirt began ripping from more muscles

"take me now, you man," she screamed hotly

"absolutely." the scout stood up straight and grew impossibly large, twice the size of the heavy. then he ripped ms. pauling's clothes off like a crazed ape

"oh yes," she screamed hotly

"yeah," he said, lifting her with one hand and ripping her clothes off with his other hand. though his body grew bigger, his head stayed disproportionately tiny. that isn't really important to the story, i just thought it would be a nice detail to share

"wow scout, your dong is huge," she swooned. now that is an important part of the story.

"yeah," he said, whipping out his corinthian column of a yogurt-slinger.

"i don't think it's gonna fit," she giggled

"where there's a will, there's a way," scout suddenly roared, slamming his gargantuan, throbbing love muscle into ms. pauling's quivering spasm chasm. immediately, fluids from both parties literally exploded and painted the room a translucent off-white.

"oh my god, scout, that was amazing," she wheezed, her naked body lying limply on the sleazy 70s shag carpet

"i know," he said plainly, picking her up with one hand and gently placing her on her desk on top of her important paperwork that didn't matter anymore

the engineer hungrily watched the entire scene through the window from afar with binoculars because he's a creepy fucking voyeuristic peeping tom weirdo. it was hard making out the details with tears in his eyes, but he'd managed okay...up until that point. the scout looked out the window and had spotted the engineer because he gained night vision and was able to see him. engineer saw scout say something to ms. pauling, and then saw him make direct eye contact with him. engineer promptly soiled himself and began crying uncontrollably again in his own fecal matter as the scout explosively left the office, slamming the door behind him and running full speed towards the bushes

"dog gone dangnabbit darn dog diggity dang it to heck," engineer whinnied to himself like a small, frightened horse as the ground shook ominously. "what in god's green heck am ah gone do?"

"**i'͞ll͡ ͞fu̶cḱi̸n̴g͡ tęl̷l ̷y͏o͜u,͘ ҉yo̸u͟ ҉p͞ie̴c͢e o̡f ̡shi͢t̸,**" exploded the hulk-scout satanically, yanking the engineer into the air by throat with two fingers.

"a-ahh! ah'm sorry! please, don't kill me! i've got a wahfe n kids at home!" he squeaked.

"**n͜o ̕͘y̴̨o͜͡͠u͘͜ ͟d͜o͢͡n̛͠'t̴̛,**" scout said, confused. the engineer did not, in fact, have a wife, nor did he have kids. his ownership of an actual home also seemed dubious

"n-n-no, ah don't. ah wish ah did so ah could have some'in'a dang live for," engineer weeped in a texan manner

"well, why didn'tcha say so?" scout said cheerily, placing him on the ground.

"ah...ah didn't think a-anyone cared…" he murmured sadly.

"_**you͞ ̀w͘͝a͢͢s̴̡ ̷̧r͡ig͝h̀t̵**_,̧" scout laughed maniacally. then he snapped the engineer's spinal cord in half, killing him instantly. he dropped his limp body to the ground and went back to ms. pauling's office to find her still naked and sitting on her desk

"how's my sugah plum doin'," he roared sweetly, flexing his bulging muscles

"mmm," she moaned hotly

"that's what i fuckin' thought," he screamed. they tangoed the whole night long and it was a grand ole time. when the sun rose, however, the scout noticed a change in his body. his voice rose, his body shrunk, and he became much more beta.

the cinderalpha spell had broken with the day.

"i'm gonna pummel the shit outta you," scout yelled as he began returning to normal.

"please do," ms pauling meowed in pleasure

"i-i mean, if you want me to, if that's what you wanna do," he said meekly. _shit._ ms. pauling instantly lost her woman boner and sat up in alarm

"scout what the fuck. i thought you became an assertive dominant alpha man that would boss me around?"

the scout then decided to take matters into his own shaking hands. do you know what happens when people take matters into their shaking hands? they drop the matters on the floor, that's what happens. and then the matters smash into millions of tiny pieces.

"m-ms. pauling i'm gonna be honest heah. i'm crazy in love with y-yous. you make me go wild. last night was a dream come true. so, h-are you, why don't we, you, we, me...get married?" he spluttered, dropping to one knee. idiot didn't even have a ring lol what a beta

"scout, no. not unless you roid the fuck up and get alpha," she sighed in mild annoyance, putting her clothes on and returning to work as if nothing had ever happened

"nooooooooooooo," scout yelled, dropping his other knee and yelling at the ceiling.

"scout. scout wake up." the scout opened his tired south boston eyes to find the engineer waking him up from his afternoon nap. "you okay, boy?"

"whuhs goinnon?" scout mumbled stupidly

"ya had a bad dream. you were screamin' a whole bunch."

"oh. oops," scout said, getting up. "thanks fah wakin' me up."

"no problem," he said, adjusting his tie.

"whoa, hardhat, the hell is the fancy suit for?"

"i'm goin' to take ms. paulin' out on a date tonight," he said, adjusting his tie. "i've got reservations at _la good restaurant_."

"_la good restaurant_?" scout exclaimed not only incredulously but also in disbelief. "that's, like, one of the nicest restaurants in the world! it's received nine michelin stars..."

"ahem. ten, actually," engineer corrected alpha-ly, adjusting his tie.

"whoa, wicked ahhsum. how'dja get a spot there? the waitin' list is like fifty miles long."

"scout, ah may be a soft-spoken and amiable texan from bee cave, texas who solves practical problems and likes all things mechanical, and specializes in constructing and maintaining Buildings that provide support to his team, rather than fighting at the front lines. The Engineer's various gadgets include the Sentry Gun, an automated turret that fires at any enemy in range, the Dispenser, a device that restores the health and ammunition of nearby teammates, and Teleporters that quickly transport players from point A to point B...but ah know how to get stuff done," he uttered, with a badass adjustment of his tie.

"yeah," scout sighed, hands in his face. "yeah. ya do. good luck with ms. pauling."

"ah will, thanks. good luck," waved the engineer assertively, adjusting his tie and walking away from the scout and into the sunset

"g-gaaaaaahdspeed," scout sobbed, spiraling into bostonian betadom


	4. a medic and his heavy

_april 20th, 1972_

after dissecting something unimportant, the medic stood boredly in his dark, creepy, filthy operating room that reeked of formaldehyde and doritos. he decided that he was hungry and reached for a snack.

"archimedes, vere are mein snacksen," he asked west-germanly

"i don't know, are you fucking high? i'm a bird you idiot, i can't talk" archimedes said in a birdlike manner.

"ein mighten be," he muttered, burying his face in his blood-soaked, gloved hands. once again the doctor had unfortunately done too many dank weeds.

"wipe the blood off your face you idiot" archimedes yelled

"oh jah, sorry," medic said. he then forgot to do that, and instead continued searching for his special bag of gmo-free gluten-free organic human finger-flavored doritos from whole foods. he found the bag, but he looked inside and saw a few actual human fingers in there instead.

"ah, good enough," he smiled warmly, wholeheartedly crunching into his daily afternoon snack. medic just about finished licking his own gloved fingers when he heard a knock at the door.

"duh is doktor there? heavy need help," heavy said stupidly because he's a fucking idiot

"i'll be righten zere, herr heavy," he said as he rose from his seat and knocked something unimportant over on his way to the door. then he opened the door. then he looked at the mammoth manchild mouthbreather in front of him

"doktor. red face?" heavy breathed dumbly, gesturing at his own face

"oh, vhoops," medic giggled. "i guess it's mein new makeups."

"da. look pretty"

"donkey shame, heavy, donkey shame," medic thanked him, singing and snapping his fingers

"thank for all the boys in rain," heavy giggled dumbly, a feeble attempt at singing the wayne newton classic "danke schoen"

"it's joy and pain, you inbred backvater soviet bumpkin," medic screamed angrily and in character, his face turning even redder as he knocked over several jars of organs in a fit of rage. "not. boys in zhe rain!"

"heavy s-sorry," heavy said shakily, his lower lip trembling. he began to sob because he'd always managed to fuck up wayne newton songs and this occurence was nothing new

medic realized his mistake and felt really bad for yelling at the heavy. basically what he'd just done was the equivalent of asking a toddler to recite a line from the odyssey and then verbally berating it when it could not

"a-ah, no, it's okay, heavy. i got a little carried away zhere, hehe"

"no...heavy never sing wayne newton good. always bad," he roared, tears flowing freely down his stubbled face.

"shh, no no. don't vorry about it, mein liebeling. now sit down, it is time for your daily checkup that i give you for no reason at all," medic assured him, gesturing towards the rusty gurney

"ok" said heavy, not moving

"ok" said medic, gesturing towards the gurney again

"ok" said heavy, staring into space

"ok" said medic, hands on his hips

"ok" said heavy, throwing his massive body onto the bed

"ok" said medic, patting his head

"ok" said heavy, staring at the ceiling

"ok" medic said, taking off his medical jacket and gloves.

"doktor why you take off coat and hand sock?" asked the heavy stupidly

"i vant to be closen to ze human blood. you know how much i loven ze bloods. medic. 43. stuttgart. gay. lover of ze human body. in love with mikhail. viener schnitzel. berlin vall. hitler. BMWs. fascism. large russian people. pretzels. beer. oktoberfest. autobahn," medic said germanly, reciting from memory the sidebar from his tumblr blog

"ok" said heavy, tearing all of his clothes off and revealing his glistening, fat, muscled, naked body

"oOoh," said medic, wiggling his fingers as though he'd just spotted a fresh doughnut. "delicious. don't mind if i do."

"doktor there is no food anywhere"

"ein know," he said creepily, bursting into a fit of laughter. completely fucking blazed, he grabbed a plastic spoon that he got from the local deli and tried to cut the heavy's chest open.

"uh i don't think it work," whimpered the heavy in such a pitiful manner that it was metaphorical for the fall of the soviet union

"oh shit...you're right" medic mumbled slowly, followed by a loud laugh. he threw the plastic spoon across the room and picked up a large, rusty surgical knife, slicing the heavy open in one go.

"ow," screamed the heavy as blood spurted out of his chest cavity

"oops, no anesthesia haha" giggled the medic. he focused his medigun beam on the heavy, who relaxed. then he took every single organ out of the heavy's body except for his brain.

"doktor you took away everything in my body. how i am alive?" asked the heavy, tears running down his face

"uh. shit. vhoops" said the sweaty, nervous medic, who'd fucked up yet again. goddamn it, this is what you get when you try to do surgery stoned off your ass. don't do marijuanas, kids

"put back and please stop," sobbed the heavy. "just say no. be above influence. didn't you sign contract in middle school that said you wouldn't smoke weed?"

"vhat ze fuck? no"

heavy rose from the gurney, still missing most of his internal organs.

"D.A.R.E. was founded in 1983 in Los Angeles and has proven so successful that it is now being implemented in 75 percent of our nation's school districts and in more than 43 countries around the world. D.A.R.E. is a police officer-led series of classroom lessons that teaches children from kindergarten through 12th grade how to resist peer pressure and live productive drug and violence-free lives. D.A.R.E. IS SUBSTANCE ABUSE PREVENTION EDUCATION AND MUCH MORE!" said the heavy

"ah. i see. to resist drugs and violence."

"da"

"i agree. i am sorry for smoking cannabis," medic apologized as he signed a certificate saying he would never do another marijuana again that was also signed by his fifth-grade teacher, school principal, and local police officer. then he returned the organs to heavy's body.

"it ok," heavy said with a sigh. "heavy just worried about doktor."

"ok" said the medic, closing up the heavy's stomach with the medigun. he rubbed his naked belly in a friendly gay way

"heeh eeee that tickles, doktor," giggled the heavy

"i know" tickled the medic. then he leaned down and blew into the heavy's massive stomach as though he were a newborn

"aaaaaaaaoohohohoomph," cried the heavy. "doktor i-i am not baby man…"

"yes you are," medic yelled assertively in between breaths

"ok" heavy said, accepting his infant fate. he attempted to remove the medic's glasses to reveal his striking baby blues.

"zhe specs stay on," medic screamed

"sorry doktor," heavy whimpered quietly

"let me gay pleasure you, herr heavy" medic yelled. as things usually go in these weird-ass stories of mine, you probably know where this is going

"ok" yipped the heavy, his massive elephant trunk of a

you know what, i'm just going to hit the fast forward here. you guys get the idea okay

an hour of intense lovemaking later, the naked mercenaries lay sweaty and in their own fluids.

"zhat was so good, mikhail. never have i had such a good gay romp" sighed the medic, cuddling into his hairy baby bear

"very nicE," heavy blinked awesomely

then ms. pauling walked in, because she doesn't have to open the door, because she's fucking ms. pauling

"frau pauling. how are you?" medic asked in a casually naked way

"turned the hell on," she chuckled nervously, observing the perfectly artistic, intricate display of homosexuality that lay before her. the room was dark, save for a single light above the entangled couple that shone down on them flawlessly.

"we look like sistine chapel," sighed the heavy dreamily

"uh have you ever actually seen ze sistine chapel?" medic asked skeptically

"no," he giggled stupidly

"classic heavy," smiled ms. pauling as the studio audience erupted into laughter and applause.

"would you like to join, ms. pauling?" asked the heavy

"no," yelled the medic. "no frauleins allowed"

"ok" frowned the heavy

"it's okay, i'm fine just watching" smiled ms. pauling. then they went at it again while ms. pauling took "notes" and dodged a few spurts of bodily fluids

"mees pawleen," heavy grunted, "vat writing?"

"oh, just taking some notes," smiled ms. pauling. in reality, she was writing heavymedic yaoi to post on archive of our own dot com and fanfiction dot net, hoping for it to earn more kudos and favorites than her boss' hot and heavy sniperspy fic. they were sort of competitive like that and it was nice

"notes on vat endorphins are released in ze human body when we have sex?" panted the medic as he pummeled the heavy again

"uh…yeah." ms. pauling finished her naughty little lemon and began sketching some nsfw fanart of them to post later on tumblr and deviantart. she'd hoped there was some new stuff in the heavymedic tag when she went home to check. she also hoped her art got more notes on tumblr than the administrator's smutty scoutspy sketch. in ms. pauling's opinion, she was the superior artist and the only reason the administrator got more notes on her art was because she fucking pandered to the fangirls who went apeshit over anything having to do with that pairing

"very interesting," medic moaned

"yeah, yeah. _stupid fucking scoutspy fangirls. i'll show em_," ms. pauling said under her breath, furiously sketching out the spectacle in front of her

"did you say somezing ms. pauling?" medic moaned

"no, keep going. ignore me," she said. she signaled somewhere behind her and an entire lights and camera crew with a craft service table came through, along with a makeup crew. they began shooting the heavy and medic and applying makeup to their faces, while they hadn't even noticed anything amiss.

"great shot, keep going. aw yeah, they're gonna love that," the cameraman goaded, filming the sexy times in front of him.

"no, wait, what? oh my god it's all wrong," ms. pauling yelled, yanking the film camera out of his hand. she began filming the heavy and medic, getting close-ups of all their sweaty nooks and crannies.

"excellent" she said like wayne in wayne's world, pointing the camera at her own face and giving a thumbs-up.

"ms. pauling, i smell coffee and doughnuts. and various other foodstuffs," medic moaned

"you're high, stop imagining things," she screamed

"ah, quite true," medic moaned. they both climaxed and lay on top of each other, breathing heavily.

"alright, cut. we're gold. that's a wrap. everything's in the can. cast and crew party tonight at 8," ms pauling said confidently, dismissing the entire crew. "hohoho, this is perfect"

"vat is perfect ms. pauling?" asked heavy

"you, heavy. you're perfect," she snickered as she left the room.

"thenk you ms. pauling," heavy giggled, petting his naked medic as they both basked in their post-coitus glow


End file.
